Acceptance
by ttfan111robstar1
Summary: Carlisle tells Bella she should abort her baby, and wounds Esme deeply. But a bonding moment with Jasper may make it all worth it, and help her deal with her grief and accept it. Oneshot.


Clouds covered the town of Forks in a thick blanket, and it seemed as though the sun may never shine down on the city again. The sun being blocked by clouds was not unusual for any place in Washington, which was more often than not washed in rain, but today they were so black and dark they may as well have been smoke from a fire. And a fire there might well have been, judging from the heat and friction in the Cullen household.

Edward and Bella Cullen had gotten home from their honeymoon that day, and everyone had been gobsmacked to learn that Bella, still a fragile human, had become pregnant with the child of a vampire. This development had stunted everyone into action, or reaction. Rosalie had taken up the post of bodyguard for Bella, making sure that no harm came to the child. Emmett, ever his wife's supporter, had done somewhat of the same. Alice, who's future seeing abilities had been blocked by this new life growing inside of her, had gone upstairs with a severe headache. Jasper, overwhelmed by the emotions of his family, had gone to the roof of the house to get away for a while.

That left Esme and Carlisle.

Esme was thrilled for Bella. The chance for any woman to become a mother was so special, especially from the perspective of herself and of Rosalie, who could not bear children. Of course she had been happy and excited for her. If she could not have that opportunity, she wanted someone she loved to. And Bella was that one. Carlisle, however, had taken a medical perspective on the matter. Normally this was incredibly helpful, but not for Esme, Bella, Rosalie, or Emmett, all of whom supported the endeavor.

"Bella, your body is unable to accommodate this baby. The best example I can give for this is an ectopic pregnancy, where the baby grows outside of the uterus, and much of the time does not survive. In this case, however, the reverse is true. The baby may survive if you carry it to term, but with the way your health is declining, I don't think you would make it, and if you didn't neither would the baby. It would be best, at this point, to consider your own life above the baby's." He said in the same voice he used to deliver news to a patient, but it had a fatherly undertone, and so much compassion.

It was the tone of voice and the compassion that caused Esme's head to snap up as she took in those words. A pain, greater than being skinned or burned alive or any pain she could think of, pummeled through her at top speed. She took a step back, as if the words had physically impacted her. The sound caused Carlisle to turn to look at her, even just for a momentary glance. But when he looked he saw horror and anger and sadness all mixed into her expression. He straightened, went to move, but she backed away, whirled around and went out the back door to the forest, slamming the door shut so hard that the glass windows it was comprised of shattered, and the frame cracked as the hinges groaned from the quake.

Esme ran. She ran and ran and ran until she was deep into the forest, away from Edward's mind reading abilities, and in a place that was solitary. She knew her son would not leave his wife in this condition to check on her, but she knew for a fact Carlisle would come after seeing her face. On the one hand, she was grateful for this because she knew she needed to talk to him, but on the other, she wanted time alone to think, to sort out her feelings, and to gain control of herself. Memories, though hazy and indistinct, bubbled to the surface and flashed before her eyes in a rapid fire sequence of emotion. She saw her life with Charles, her realization of pregnancy, her escape from him, her pregnancy itself, her child's birth, his face, and his death. A score of memories passed through her in the space of a heartbeat. She was breathing heavily, though it wasn't because of the running. She could have run forever and it not made a difference. The breathing was a result of her memories fueling her volatile emotions, until she thought she might break.

Footsteps were approaching now, leaving behind the calming quiet of the forest. The smell of petrichor, that earthy scent that came after rain, that had been so inviting at the time, suddenly became sour, and she thought she might be sick.

"Esme?"

Normally hearing her husband say her name sounded like a choir of heavenly angels singing, but today, it was like a stab to the chest. She couldn't look at him.

"Yes?" She was straining very hard to control her emotions.

"Are you alright?" The question was innocuous, normally a gesture of caring, but today it made her smile. She did not anger easily, and it was a rarity coming from her. Even when she did anger, it was almost never directed at her husband. But right now, her anger and contempt were aimed right at him, and she was ready to fire arrows into him. She tried telling herself that anger did not help her, that it only harmed everyone involved, but she could not help it. She needed to be selfish right now.

She gave a sardonic laugh. "If you followed me here, you know I'm not."

"Esme-" He reached to touch her shoulder but she whirled around and batted his arm away with more force than necessary. Her emotions were exploding like a volcano, and taking out everyone in their path.

"Don't touch me!" It was a shout, reverberating through the forest to the point where it could have likely been heard from their home. "I cannot believe what you just said to Bella, Carlisle! And what's awful is you said it with such compassion! You are talking about _taking the life of her child_. Do you even understand how that will destroy her? Even if she did it, she wouldn't come out living. When a woman finds out she's pregnant she feels that bond with her baby nearly instantaneously, and in Bella's case likely more so because it's progressing so quickly. If you kill that baby, you are taking the light inside of her with you.

This isn't some medical procedure where you are removing some sort of anomaly from a person to heal them. You are _ending a life_, and what's worse is you aren't taking her feelings and choices into consideration! She wants that baby, and she loves it already. It is not your decision to make for her! And probably the worst part of it is that you did it with Rosalie and myself right in the room! You know that Rosalie cannot have children, and yet you are talking about murdering one right in front of her! And me… That was even worse. You _know _how my son dying destroyed me, and here you are talking about taking a baby's life right in front of me! You know better than that, and you know your daughter better than that, and I would certainly hope you know me better than that. But the fact that you did it anyways… It just makes me sick."

Carlisle stared at his wife for a long moment, saw the pain and anger in her eyes, and realized the magnitude of what he had inadvertently put his wife and daughter and daughter-in-law through by doing that. Esme saw the exact moment the realization hit his face, and she couldn't help admitting she took a bit of sadistic pleasure in it, even though the rest of her was berating herself for making her husband feel so awful, though her dominant emotions told her it was deserved.

Carlisle moved to sit on a large rock nearby, and he looked at the ground when he spoke. "I didn't intend to hurt you. Either of you, by doing this. Edward asked me to speak with her about it from a medical standpoint and I was so focused on trying to ease his pain and Bella's that I didn't think…" He trailed off for a moment. "I'm so sorry, Esme. I never wanted to bring that pain up for you again. To know that I did is a sort of hell for me. I've tried so hard to protect you from it, and to know that I caused it… I don't believe there's a name for that feeling." He got up from the rock, went to her, and touched her face without her throwing him off. "I should have been more considerate to you. I don't know why I wasn't. I think I was so panicked for Edward and Bella that I didn't see. How could I not see what I was doing to the brightest light in my life? I was blind. There's no excuse for that. But I will do anything to make this right with you. With Rose too. Please… I love you. Don't forget that. Can you forgive me?"

She saw the sincerity in his expression, heard the genuineness of his words. The emotional boiling over was now reduced to a simmer as they washed over her and calmed her. She kissed him, gently at first and then a bit harsher. "Of course I can forgive you. But please… Don't do it. Don't hurt that baby. That child deserves to live. Every child deserves to live. Every woman deserves the chance to become a mother. Please don't do it."

"I won't." Esme's wish was her husband's command in that moment. If she had asked him to jump, he wouldn't have hesitated to ask how high. Her weak nod made it obvious that she was trying to draw herself together, and he could tell that she felt some shame for lashing out at him the way she did. He knew the best thing he could do was be there with her, and let her know that she was not alone. So he took a seat on the rock again and pulled Esme into his lap. He held her there for a long time.

Time seemed to always pass quickly for vampire kind, but those minutes of silence felt like hours to Carlisle. The stillness was unbearable, but he endured it as best he could, as the sounds of the forest came to him. The scampering of a squirrel up a tree, the call of a bird, the sound of rustling leaves. Normally those sounds would have calmed him, but instead it just made him restless. He wanted to run, to be free of his overwhelming feelings of guilt by letting his feet fly, but he could not do that. The weight in his lap grounded him, and told him there was something more important than that.

Finally, Esme moved. "I'm sorry that I got so-"

"No." He cut her off. "You were right to react the way you did. And even if you were not, everyone has their bad days. You've earned more than one for all the good ones you have given us."

She nodded, trying to absorb his words. "I think I need a little time. But please, will you say to Rose what you said to me?"

"Yes, of course."

She smiled, finally, and it was like the sun was back in his life. "Thank you."

He kissed her in response.

They headed back toward the house, but toward the end of the trek, their paths split. Carlisle went into the house to personally apologize to Rosalie and to Bella for his hurtful words, and Esme took a walk. She headed east of the home, following the nearby river about a mile, and then going south for another one, until she found a small grove, shrouded in trees and covered in flowers. Here, she paused. There was a mass of gray there, stone protruding from the ground and somewhat darkening the otherwise colorful landscape. Along her way there, she had plucked flowers, scooping them from the ground, though none of the ones from the grove. This place was supposed to be pure. She set the bunch of flowers in front of the gray stone and sat in front of it.

It was a headstone.

_Anthony Robert Evenson_

_July 7, 1926 - July 9, 1926_

_Beloved son, Little Angel_

Human memories were a fickle thing for Vampires. Once changed they became murky and indistinct, and if left unremembered, would fade the way objects sink into water. She had let so much of her human life slip away, but she had worked, had strived, had labored to keep the Memories of her son's life. The most clear memory she had of him was right after he was born, and he had wrapped his little hand around her finger and looked into her eyes with wonder. Oh, she had cherished that moment more than any other one. That single, shining moment was the best memory of her human life. Better even than seeing Carlisle for the first time at age sixteen. The memory played on, and she stroked the smooth stone of the grave marker.

Her son wasn't actually buried here, of course. He was in a cemetery back in Columbus, Ohio- the only place he had lived. This marker had duplicates, placed at each one of their homes in the most beautiful yet secluded place she could find. It was a space for her to visit with her son, to tell him things about her life, to mourn him in private. After a day like today, it did not shock her that she ended up here. She took time to mourn him, and when that was done, she talked to him, though in her mind, because the quiet around her was so calming. Eventually, she became lost in her thoughts.

She was so deeply enraptured in her mind that she did not notice footsteps approaching.

"Mom?"

She did not jump or even flinch at the intrusion. Rather, she turned her head and smiled. Perhaps in some part of her subconscious she had anticipated this. One of her family members coming to find her here. And so she was not unnerved by the development.

There stood Jasper, in a black button down shirt, blue jeans, and a pair of cowboy boots. The empath of the family had felt her pain inside of the house, heard the shout at Carlisle from the forest, and in the brief time she had been near the house, felt her shifting emotions. He had decided to give her some time to herself before he followed the trail of her scent. When he had found her here, she had not looked stricken as he had imagined. She looked contemplative, and he thought this a good thing.

"What are you doing here, sweetheart? I thought you were out of the house."

"I was." It was an understated version of events, honestly. Esme knew that. But she didn't dare push him when she herself did not want to be pushed. He went over to her and sat next to her. "I was worried for you."

She smiled, and gently put a hand on his shoulder, making sure to be careful about it because she knew how he disliked physical contact. "I'm fine, sweetie. Don't worry about me."

He almost snorted. "Like you don't worry about all of us?"

She laughed a little. "Point taken."

A comfortable silence fell between them until Jasper broke it. "I felt your pain in the house. You know I don't like to pry about that sort of thing, but this was… severe. For anyone, and especially you. I can't just leave that alone. You're my mother."

The words brought her some happiness and comfort. He felt that, and was somewhat eased by it. "Just dealing with some old wounds that have been opened."

"You mean one." He said knowingly.

She nodded. "Yes. That one. And as much as I want to be there for Bella right now, I needed some time to sort through my own feelings. You can't pour from an empty cup." She said.

He nodded. "I understand that. But just because you're going through something doesn't mean you have to do it alone."

She smiled, and wondered to herself when he'd gotten so wise. Though her children would never physically age, their minds were growing every day, and she felt a brief pinching in her chest at the thought of how much he had grown since he'd known her. "I appreciate that."

"If you don't want to talk, I understand. But if you do, I'll listen. To anything on your mind. I'm here."

She reached out to stroke his cheek. What did she do to deserve such a sweet soul as a son? She was silent for a moment, then began to speak.

"I was thinking about my pregnancy. It's hard not to with what's going on in the house right now." She said, and he nodded. "When I found out I was pregnant, Charles had been home from the war for three months. And when I got sick every day for a week, I knew it wasn't from stress. I knew I was pregnant, and I had to get out of there. I wasn't going to let my innocent baby be born into that. I had to protect him. So I left one day when he was out, and I ran to my cousin's in Wisconsin. I pretended I was a widow, because in all truthfulness, Charles was dead to me anyways. But the bad thing about the dead is they can come back to haunt you, and he did. He found me there, and I had to flee again. I went to Ashland, and I had to support myself there, so I became a teacher like I had always wanted to.

Those first months of pregnancy were hard. I was sick all of the time, and it made teaching very difficult because I thought I would be sick through it all. And my back ached constantly, never mind the need to use the bathroom all of the time. I became so sensitive to smells. If someone used soap from a bathroom and they were seated in the back of the classroom, I could smell it from the front. Sometimes I would get this odd metallic taste in my mouth, and it would stay for hours. But none of it mattered, because my pain or discomfort didn't mean a thing to me as long as my baby was taken care of.

The second trimester of my pregnancy exacerbated some of the symptoms, but for the most part they stayed the same. But I felt him kick for the first time and… Oh there aren't words for that feeling. Magic doesn't begin to cover it. So I would sing to him and tell him stories or about my day in general. That was around the time when I started getting the nursery ready. I bought him a crib, and I painted it with blue boats so he would sail off to sleep and have sweet dreams.

The last trimester was the best one. I wasn't hurting as much, and he was such an active baby. He used to kick like crazy. Especially when I sang to him. I knew that I was going to meet him soon, and every day was another day closer to that. It was all I wanted. And eventually, I got it.

I was at home the day my water broke. I had to walk to the hospital, and I was in labor for eighteen hours. We don't feel the same physical pain that humans do, and labor was the worst pain of all of them. Even now I can't think about it without wincing. And just when I thought I was going to give up and never see him… There he was.

He was perfect. He had a sweet little button nose, and messy dark hair, and the most beautiful blue eyes. His fist was the size of a grape. I only got to hold him a moment before they took him, but it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. And when his whole hand wrapped around my finger it was like the world just stopped. I think I could have lived the rest of my life in that moment if I had the chance."

She sighed suddenly, and her expression darkened. "And then I found out that he was sick." Jasper put a hand on her shoulder as she continued talking. "I didn't want to believe it. Nobody ever does, I think. But the first time I heard him coughing, I knew. I knew he wasn't going to make it. But I hoped he would. I prayed and begged and pleaded with God to let me keep him. I promised him anything if he would only spare my son. But he didn't listen to me.

I held him one last time. And I asked him to hang on for me, to hold on for Mommy. But I saw how weak he was getting, and how much pain he was in. And I realized how selfish I was being, letting him suffer like that. It was the exact opposite of what I had sworn to myself to be for him. I had told myself I would put him first, and I wasn't doing that. So I told him how much I loved him, that I would always remember him, and I told him that he could let go. And I sang to him until he died.

The doctors let me hold him a long time after that. I think I needed that time, to let it sink in for me that he was really gone. And when they took him, I was numb. I stayed another day, and I picked out a headstone for him. I think that was when the pain really sank in. After that I ran from the hospital, to the cliff and… You know what happened after that." She finished.

Jasper was quiet a while, letting her calm down after that retelling. "I know you miss him. But if that hadn't happened, you might not have adopted us. Even though I wish that you had him with you, and that you didn't have to feel that pain anymore, I'm grateful because otherwise I wouldn't have had a mom."

Esme looked at him, and a large smile graced her face. She looked like she was about to cry she was so happy. "You don't know how much it means to hear you say that." She pulled him into a hug, and suddenly felt like the weight on her shoulders from the past few days had been lifted.

"I love you, Mama." He said to her.

"I love you too, baby." She replied.

She held onto him for a long time, and then finally let go, grinning ear to ear. "I'm really surprised and frankly elated to hear you call me Mama."

He laughed weakly, obviously trying to cover up his embarrassment. "Don't get too used to it. I'm saving it for special occasions."

She grinned. "I can live with that."

"Do you want to go back to the house?"

She nodded. "I think if I stayed out here too much longer your father might send a search party."

"Let's go." He said. They got up, and began to walk away. "Hey Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Can I come visit there with you or alone sometimes too? I think I'd like to thank him for giving me such a wonderful mother."

Esme grinned. "I'm sure he'd love that. I know I do."

The pair walked home in silence.


End file.
